Category Archives: my own thoughts

acts of kindness…

ImageI was watching TV the other night and heard that one of the news commentators had tweeted something about doing 26 Random Acts of Kindness to show support for those in Connecticut. The report made it sound as though no one had ever thought of doing anything like this before. It made it sound as though no one ever did these acts of kindness. It made it sound as though it was her idea alone. Ok, so I will let her have that if that is what she needs.

But…with that being said I truly think many of us do these Random Acts of Kindness every day, sometimes without even realizing it.

I had started a post earlier but then began to rethink it. I was going to post about some of the things I have read about where people do a specified number of Acts of Kindness on their birthdays.  Well being a woman of a certain age I thought that was perhaps a few too many – at least for one day. So I had thought about doing it on an everyday basis.  I went through and looked at different lists and made my own list. Being quasi unemployed I had to go with things that did not cost anything. And yes, there are a ton of them out there.

In the middle of writing that post I had to stop and run some errands. While doing so I stopped to pick up a few groceries. In the parking lot I reminded a lady that was just backing out that she had a cup of coffee on the top of her car – which she had completely forgotten about.  While in line to purchase my goodies I let someone go in front of me as she kept looking at her watch. She thanked me profusely and explained that she had to get her daughter to a doctor’s appointment but had run out of diapers that she desperately needed.

When I returned home and back to my post I realized something. I realized that I do many Random Acts of Kindness throughout my week (some days I don’t go out). And I realized that they do not have to come from a list that someone else has set up.

But more importantly I realized that I do not have to tell the world what a wonderful person I am by doing these Acts of Kindness. I know I do them. I have always done them without really thinking about it. I feel good doing them. And I will continue to do them as I have always done.

The point is this…I think many of us do these Random Acts of Kindness. Not because some news person suggested it. Not because some website has recommended it. But because that is who we are. And we don’t need to advertise it. We do it because it is the right thing to do.

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we’re still here…

ImageSo I guess that means that all bills need to be paid, plans kept and blog posts to write! Actually I think this is a good thing. I never really believed the world was going to end but perhaps it is a good time to reflect and hopefully make some changes.

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Filed under General Miscellaneous, my own thoughts, Uncategorized

life has been…

flowers - 20well life. I am searching for work. While I would love a part-time job it would have to be one in which I could control the hours so I could keep the part-time job I currently have which does not have specific hours. Apparently even with part-time work they expect specific hours. Or, I would like a full-time job but my goodness those are certainly few and far between these days.

I understand that “gigs” are the new wave of the work world. But for some reason that really scares me. Plus what do I do? How do I do it? Yea, I know there are all those sites out there to get you through it…I have read them all. Maybe someday soon I will actually sign up for one or maybe two.

Actually I would like to work for myself. Have thought of a couple of businesses I could do. But it is the marketing that always stops me. I cannot get out there and “sell” myself. Have never been able to do that. I can sell someone else’s business if I know them and respect them but to sell me? Nope, no can do.

And of course since I am not working all that much I don’t have all that much money. So while I have a ton of free time I have no money to go do anything! I believe that is the ultimate Catch-22. Things will change…they have to…and yes I know it is me that has to make those changes.

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I’m just not ready…

for a relationship. At least with this guy. Or at least I hope that is the case. What if I’m not ready for anyone? That does scare me a bit.

It has been a minimum of 20 years since I have really been in a relationship of any kind. So when this guy showed even a little bit of interest to me I think I just fell for it. I have spent the last five months with him and the last month or maybe six weeks picking out all the little things I don’t like about him. But I have also been trying to figure out if I could live with those “little” things long term or not. Most, yes, I think I possibly could. But there are a few things that I know would drive me over the edge.

So I suppose today is going to be “break-up” day. I dread it. I really do. What will his response be? Will he be hurt? Will he be upset? Honestly, I don’t know. I do think, though, that he knows it is coming.

But the big question is this: Will I have to wait another 20 years before someone else finds me attractive? Or before someone wants to be with me? Oh I really hope not!

But that is what is so great about this group I have found myself in. It is group that I met via the internet (well, where else??). We started off as a hiking/walking group but as with any group of this nature there has become a core group which is primarily women – all of whom are women of a certain age. We have become a close group of friends and now do much more than just walk and hike though we still do that. All of these women are single and all are going through the same thing. Though several have had relationships more recently than I. Perhaps with their help and encouragement I might actually get out there and begin meeting some more men. Wonder if there are any men of a certain age out there that are worth it?

LOL…also without a man in my life I might actually have time to post a bit more on here than I have been!

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relationships and politics…

Hmmm…I’m wondering how well these actually go together. After watching one of the morning political roundtable discussions we had our own discussion. Actually two of them. Both quite interesting to say the least.

Ok, so I have known for some time that New Guy didn’t vote. Ugh…that is something that does not sit well with me but I let it slide. And my thing is that if you do not vote then you better keep your mouth shut and not complain about what happens. Oh New Guy says he agrees with that but I’m really not so sure he does.

So on to the first discussion in which I mention that the next president whoever that may be will most likely be choosing at least one and possibly two Supreme Court justices. And that truly scares me depending upon who ends up in office. New Guy didn’t think that that was such a big deal. I tell him it is as Roe v Wade will most likely come up – once again. His remark was that they would probably keep it so not to worry. I say that may not necessarily be true. His comment then was that there would always be doctors – or people – that would perform them. I state that would be true but most likely in back alleys as were done in the 1960’s and early 1970’s during which many, many women were maimed or killed. Hmmm, he did not seem to be too effected by that.

Second political conversation of the day was a bit disturbing though not sure which one disturbed me more. During this conversation New Guy states we started off as a dictatorship and in many ways that is preferable to what we have now. What??? He says the constitution was flawed which I somewhat agreed with but also explained that it has been ratified and continues to change with the times. Which I point out cannot be done under a dictatorship. Long discussion ensued and he is pissed off because the constitution actually encourages slavery and discrimination against people of color. He was pissed because people of color (including Asians which he is) could not marry Caucasians. Of course he did not accept the fact that I reminded him that it was written in a different time and that things have indeed changed. He also pretty much ignored the fact that women were also discriminated against. In his mind it was a dictatorship. I suggested that perhaps if he thinks a dictatorship is better (which is pretty much what he was saying) then perhaps he should move to where there is a dictator. Hmmm, don’t think he really liked that. There is a certain change in his voice that I have learned to listen to. It was with that voice that he discussed this and he was very passionate about it.

Politics does play an important part in my life. Certainly not like it did when I was in my 30’s when I was pretty much out there. But it is important. And it is important to me what happens, not just for me but my grandchildren and their children. I don’t want things to go backwards. And I have never said that either candidate is perfect because believe me neither one is. But New Guy’s feelings on some of these issues really bother me. And I’m not sure how much these things should enter into a relationship or not. Because he has some definite feelings about some issues which are totally the other end of the spectrum than mine is that something I need to be concerned about? LOL…one good thing to know is that he will not be voting!

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rape…

I have never been raped. Nor have I have been sexually or physically abused by a man. Well ok, once my ex-husband hit me. That was the end of the marriage. I have been lucky. I know that. But I know women who have not been so lucky. I have friends who have been raped. I have friends who have been sexually abused by men they were supposed to be able to trust.

It is horrific what some men will do to women. Whether or not they know them. Whether or not they love them. They can do horrific things.

It felt as though society and the legal system was finally getting real while men continued to do these horrific things. It felt as though society and the legal system were catching up with how things should be and the fact that society should be pissed off at these men; and that the legal system should finally do something to them other than just a slap on the wrist.

But something has happened in this recent political season. So many comments regarding rape have shown where some men still stand. These comments show their true selves…they say what these men truly feel. And these comments take this country back far too many years. They want to take women back to where we no longer have a voice once again.

While I cannot write about this as eloquently as some other women can that certainly does not mean that I am not as pissed off about these idiotic men as they are. All women should truly stop and think about what these men are really saying when they talk about rape. It is not just rape or the consequences that they are talking about. Yes they do believe that any child produced through a rape should be born. But I have yet to see any of these men offer to raise those children. But this conversation goes much deeper than rape, sexual abuse or even abortion. This conversation goes to the fact that these men once again want to put women back to where we were so many years ago. They want to put us back to where we earn so little money that there is no way for any of us to get ahead; they want to make sure women are kept under the control of men. In other words they want to continue to rape us – perhaps not always physically but it still constitutes rape.

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blogging…

Ok, so I am not much of a blogger. I find I don’t have a lot to say, though I know that somewhere deep inside of me there is stuff I would like to get out. But it is also a time thing as well. Where on earth does everyone find the time to write such wonderful, funny, heartfelt, informative posts? Ok, the thing is that I work from home…I should be able to find the time. At least one would think I should be able to.

When I started this blog I really felt that I could do so on a somewhat daily basis. Or, at the very least several times a week. I do have the time but it is finding things to write that I have problems with. And frankly when I look at other bloggers – many of whom I follow – I realize my writing just totally sucks! At least in my mind it does.

And some of the blogs I follow are personal ones in which they talk about their lives. A few of them are just so darn funny and thoughtful. So I look at my life and think – boring!! What the heck do I write about? I have no children – ok, I do have one son but he is an adult and has his own family. So writing about the kids is out. I don’t have a husband – haven’t had one for over 35 years – so that one is out too. Yep, new boyfriend is still around but not sure how to write about that one. As mentioned I work from home so can’t really talk about work and the office politics – thankfully!

What oh what do I do with this blog? Would love to be more of a photographer as I love photography but honestly when I take my camera out I just keep seeing the same things over and over and over. Again – boring!!

Initially I had thought that I could do a few posts about my attempts at crafts. Now that would get people laughing as I am realizing I am not a crafty person. Though I do wish I was and I do keep trying.

Politics? Sure I could write about that but aren’t there enough political blogs already? And who the heck wants to hear my thoughts on that? Besides the election is almost here and the good stuff will be over shortly. Thankfully!!

I will continue with this blog though. I love to see that other people have “liked” something I wrote or posted. Now come on…how fun is that anyway??? Or comments…I love them! So yes…I will continue on with my journey in blogging. Though I can’t say that it will be on a regular basis. Hopefully at least once a week…or maybe more if I find something to say!

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it’s back on…

the relationship that is.  Yes I did the cowardly thing and wrote him an email – as opposed to just calling him.  It was an agonizing three hours before he responded with a telephone call. We talked briefly before agreeing that we should talk in person. So I headed over to his house – after packing an overnight bag. He opened the door to let me in and immediately put his arms around me, which is, of course exactly what I needed.

We had a good laugh as it turned out that we were both emailing the same person. She was having a housewarming party the next day and he had written to her saying he couldn’t go due to “complications”. He never actually told her what those were though. But she then emailed me to ask if I would be there to which Isaid yes but that he and I had split up. She emailed both of us throughout the day but never once let on that she was doing so. We both read each other’s and had a good laugh.

But we also talked, and talked, and talked. Well we drove too. Both of us thoroughly enjoy being in the car and both of us enjoy driving. But I let him drive this time, though possibly should not have. We drove up to a little touristy town not far from us and as soon as we got out it dawned on him the keys were still in the car. Which was of course locked! So while waiting for the tow truck to come we walked around and ended up having a small dinner.

By the time we got home to his house things were really looking good for us. We stayed at his house that night for the first time and it felt really good.

We spent the rest of the weekend together and actually talked a bit about the future. Yes, we both do see a future together. We are learning to communicate with each other and learning each other’s little quirks. Yes, we all have them don’t we? We are learning about what the other wants and what bothers each other. One of the things in my email to him was that it had only been two months and to please not write me off just yet.  We need to remember that…all of us. It takes time and effort to make or break a relationship. Something I have not had to do in quite a few years. I have every intention on making this relationship work!

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the relationship…

was fun while it lasted. Yes, I do believe it is probably over and done with. Am I sad about it? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

There were signs from the very beginning that I should have listened to but instead just ignored. They were little things…you know those things that you think you can put up with, sort of brush aside as they really are not all that huge.  Had it been just one little thing I could have just brushed it aside. But it was more than that…there were many “little” things all of which began to really drive me nuts.

Oh I am not saying it was all him…I’m sure that there were things about me that drove him nuts too…though I certainly can’t imagine what those would be!

But there are some things that I either learned or reinforced in myself from this experience. The first is that I really must stick to the rules that I set for myself. The first rule is that I never date anyone that has not been divorced from the ex for at least a year. I always said that was a strong rule as I just don’t want to hear about her and what a you-know-what she was. After all he was with her so she couldn’t have been all that bad. Right??  Well New Guy had just split up from a long term relationship when we got together. I kept telling myself to stick to the rule…but noooooo, not me. I’m a rule breaker and I did break that one. He never really understood why I didn’t want to hear about “her”. The her that treated him badly and called him a liar. If that was how it really was why then did he speak so fondly of her? If she treated him so badly why did he continue to speak of her at all? And he spoke of her in ways that men generally do not speak of the ex. Ok, so I broke the rule…I have learned from that and will not do that again! Some rules are just not to be broken.

It also reminded me of a relationship (or several relationships) that I had so many years ago. It seemed that just about anytime I voiced my opinion (yes opinion or thought) I would be told how wrong I was. Hey…it is an opinion or a feeling or a thought…how can those be wrong????

As mentioned in an earlier post it has been 20 some years since I have dated anyone, especially anyone on a serious basis. And now perhaps I am remembering why.

Just as some people are not meant to be parents perhaps there are those of us that are not meant to enjoy (or not enjoy) the serious relationship. And perhaps I am one of those. Am I sorry it has ended? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

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little did I know…

how much time a relationship would take. I never even thought about the things I would no longer have time for once I became involved with someone. But it is true! I have been nominated for two awards by another blogger but have not even had the time to thank her or follow up with those as one is supposed to do.

We see each other on a pretty regular basis and in fact spent the entire Labor Day weekend together. Honestly, I was a bit afraid to spend that much time with him as I have been single and living alone for over 30 years! But I must admit it was quite nice having him around. He even makes the bed in the morning…without my asking! He takes his shoes off when he enters the house even without my asking (of course I don’t even do that!).

New Guy and I did a lot over the weekend. It included going to a very large art festival. He is an artist so it was interesting to hear some of his comments. Me? I just appreciate nice things. We wandered around a great little town and checked out all the boutiques there. He is really a great shopper! Oh and speaking of shopping he went with me to help find something to wear to an upcoming wedding! And we even went out to play his very first round of golf. He had recently been given a full set of golf clubs by a friend of mine. He kept telling me there would be no problems with his putting but perhaps his drives would need some help. After the nine holes we played he did admit that perhaps some lessons would be in order.

But there was one moment that stood out for me from this weekend. It was the moment that I think I realized that my feelings for New Guy were getting stronger and that maybe this guy is going to really be around a very long time. It was Sunday evening and we were both just a bit tired. Didn’t want to go to a movie and nothing at all on TV. We headed to the bedroom (ok, get your mind out of the gutter) and he began working on a crossword puzzle and I with my Kindle book. Pretty soon I realized I was not really reading so I leaned over to help him with his puzzle. He was laying there with his sweats on and I was leaning over him. At one point he just looked up at me and it was just that very short moment in time that will remain with me for a lifetime.

Isn’t it amazing how it is the little things? Just those tiny smiles or looks that only last seconds? But they mean oh so very much.

But again…my apologies…I had no clue that being in a relationship would take up so much of my time. Hopefully as the newness of this wears off I will have a bit more time to get back into this blog. But in the meantime I intend on enjoying every second with New Guy.

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