blogging…

Ok, so I am not much of a blogger. I find I don’t have a lot to say, though I know that somewhere deep inside of me there is stuff I would like to get out. But it is also a time thing as well. Where on earth does everyone find the time to write such wonderful, funny, heartfelt, informative posts? Ok, the thing is that I work from home…I should be able to find the time. At least one would think I should be able to.

When I started this blog I really felt that I could do so on a somewhat daily basis. Or, at the very least several times a week. I do have the time but it is finding things to write that I have problems with. And frankly when I look at other bloggers – many of whom I follow – I realize my writing just totally sucks! At least in my mind it does.

And some of the blogs I follow are personal ones in which they talk about their lives. A few of them are just so darn funny and thoughtful. So I look at my life and think – boring!! What the heck do I write about? I have no children – ok, I do have one son but he is an adult and has his own family. So writing about the kids is out. I don’t have a husband – haven’t had one for over 35 years – so that one is out too. Yep, new boyfriend is still around but not sure how to write about that one. As mentioned I work from home so can’t really talk about work and the office politics – thankfully!

What oh what do I do with this blog? Would love to be more of a photographer as I love photography but honestly when I take my camera out I just keep seeing the same things over and over and over. Again – boring!!

Initially I had thought that I could do a few posts about my attempts at crafts. Now that would get people laughing as I am realizing I am not a crafty person. Though I do wish I was and I do keep trying.

Politics? Sure I could write about that but aren’t there enough political blogs already? And who the heck wants to hear my thoughts on that? Besides the election is almost here and the good stuff will be over shortly. Thankfully!!

I will continue with this blog though. I love to see that other people have “liked” something I wrote or posted. Now come on…how fun is that anyway??? Or comments…I love them! So yes…I will continue on with my journey in blogging. Though I can’t say that it will be on a regular basis. Hopefully at least once a week…or maybe more if I find something to say!

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foto friday…around town

Everyone lives in interesting places though some I think don’t really believe they do. I sometimes wish I lived on the East Coast where they have all those glorious old buildings with a ton of history attached to them. But I don’t. I live on the West Coast where things are a bit newer. But not far from town there will be old barns and vineyards or ranches. And in town there are new buildings and new buildings built to look old. I looked at these photos this morning and realize that I really need to get out and take some more to really show the different styles and colors we have here. But until then, well this is what I have.

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rebellion set in…

though I honestly really can’t place a specific time or place on it. But I became “that” teenager. I hated everyone and everything. I hated what my parents tried to do – you know, things like parenting. I hated that I had a curfew and that I was not allowed to date until a certain age. I hated I could not wear makeup or have my ears pierced. And I hated school.

I began cutting classes here and there and eventually it became full days that I would cut. Oh I got caught, many times. I was suspended from school for cutting…hmmm, what is wrong with that picture? I was grounded by my parents for cutting school.

I began to smoke and drink. Unfortunately I still smoke. I hate it. It never really did make me look “cool” as I thought it did. Drink, yea I still do but certainly not on a regular basis. I would stead my parent’s cigarettes and get in trouble for that.

I had many boyfriends though I’m not sure many of them really meant anything. One definitely did. We went “steady” for almost 2.5 years. He was a good guy though certainly not the best looking around. I have heard that he married and had a family but then lost track of him. That’s too bad as I would love to know how he did.

I guess I basically began to rebel about everything. And yes, I do mean everything. I was terrible. But I didn’t know what was wrong. Why was I so angry? Why did I hate everything that life had to offer?

I was not a very nice teenager. I was mean (though not bully type mean). I was lazy. I liked the boys and felt they liked me (I figured that one out much later).

I wish I could take those years back. But I can’t. I wish I could apologize to my parents. Well I did to my mother but never had the chance with my father.

Unfortunately that was a large part of what made me. I’m not happy about those years and I’m not happy with who I was then. It took many years to figure things out and to finally become somewhat happy with myself. That of course is a continuing thing I am working on.

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it’s back on…

the relationship that is.  Yes I did the cowardly thing and wrote him an email – as opposed to just calling him.  It was an agonizing three hours before he responded with a telephone call. We talked briefly before agreeing that we should talk in person. So I headed over to his house – after packing an overnight bag. He opened the door to let me in and immediately put his arms around me, which is, of course exactly what I needed.

We had a good laugh as it turned out that we were both emailing the same person. She was having a housewarming party the next day and he had written to her saying he couldn’t go due to “complications”. He never actually told her what those were though. But she then emailed me to ask if I would be there to which Isaid yes but that he and I had split up. She emailed both of us throughout the day but never once let on that she was doing so. We both read each other’s and had a good laugh.

But we also talked, and talked, and talked. Well we drove too. Both of us thoroughly enjoy being in the car and both of us enjoy driving. But I let him drive this time, though possibly should not have. We drove up to a little touristy town not far from us and as soon as we got out it dawned on him the keys were still in the car. Which was of course locked! So while waiting for the tow truck to come we walked around and ended up having a small dinner.

By the time we got home to his house things were really looking good for us. We stayed at his house that night for the first time and it felt really good.

We spent the rest of the weekend together and actually talked a bit about the future. Yes, we both do see a future together. We are learning to communicate with each other and learning each other’s little quirks. Yes, we all have them don’t we? We are learning about what the other wants and what bothers each other. One of the things in my email to him was that it had only been two months and to please not write me off just yet.  We need to remember that…all of us. It takes time and effort to make or break a relationship. Something I have not had to do in quite a few years. I have every intention on making this relationship work!

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the relationship…

was fun while it lasted. Yes, I do believe it is probably over and done with. Am I sad about it? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

There were signs from the very beginning that I should have listened to but instead just ignored. They were little things…you know those things that you think you can put up with, sort of brush aside as they really are not all that huge.  Had it been just one little thing I could have just brushed it aside. But it was more than that…there were many “little” things all of which began to really drive me nuts.

Oh I am not saying it was all him…I’m sure that there were things about me that drove him nuts too…though I certainly can’t imagine what those would be!

But there are some things that I either learned or reinforced in myself from this experience. The first is that I really must stick to the rules that I set for myself. The first rule is that I never date anyone that has not been divorced from the ex for at least a year. I always said that was a strong rule as I just don’t want to hear about her and what a you-know-what she was. After all he was with her so she couldn’t have been all that bad. Right??  Well New Guy had just split up from a long term relationship when we got together. I kept telling myself to stick to the rule…but noooooo, not me. I’m a rule breaker and I did break that one. He never really understood why I didn’t want to hear about “her”. The her that treated him badly and called him a liar. If that was how it really was why then did he speak so fondly of her? If she treated him so badly why did he continue to speak of her at all? And he spoke of her in ways that men generally do not speak of the ex. Ok, so I broke the rule…I have learned from that and will not do that again! Some rules are just not to be broken.

It also reminded me of a relationship (or several relationships) that I had so many years ago. It seemed that just about anytime I voiced my opinion (yes opinion or thought) I would be told how wrong I was. Hey…it is an opinion or a feeling or a thought…how can those be wrong????

As mentioned in an earlier post it has been 20 some years since I have dated anyone, especially anyone on a serious basis. And now perhaps I am remembering why.

Just as some people are not meant to be parents perhaps there are those of us that are not meant to enjoy (or not enjoy) the serious relationship. And perhaps I am one of those. Am I sorry it has ended? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

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friday fotos – fences

There are some things I just love to photograph. Fences is (or is it are?) just one of them. Perhaps one reason is that I am trying to recreate a photo my father did many years ago of a fence. Actually I think that I have surpassed his fence photo by now but probably only because I have the advantage of digital while he only had the film option. No matter…I still love old fences.

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discrimination was alive and well…

Did I mention that the school I went “home” to was what I call Lily White? There were no people of color there at all. And by that I mean any color other than white. There were no Hispanics, African American, Asian or anything else other than Caucasian. Now this was very strange to me as the school I had been attending had every nationality, color, religion that you could possibly think of, and probably more!

I did make some friends but it was not that easy for me. I still wanted to be able to do what I had been doing the past couple of years and yet was now too young. These new friends did not understand why on earth I wanted to do those things such as going to the games or dances or whatever. They did not understand where it was I had been and rather made fun of me when they found out. Yes, children can be cruel. And yes, bullying did in fact take place back oh so many years ago.

But being as young as I was I’m not sure that I really thought that much about those things. I knew I was somewhat unhappy but could never really put my finger on why that was. Of course, I’m not sure that I really tried to work it out as again, I was on the young side of life at that period of time.

I found myself also feeling a bit more smart than the rest of the class. Ok, maybe smart is not really the proper word here but there was something that I had that the rest of them didn’t and yes, it did distinguish us. It did put a line between me and everyone else.  Did I actually draw that line? Perhaps I did but am not sure that I was the only one that did.

Things changed for me however, and actually opened my eyes just a bit. But again, being the age I was I did not know how to deal with it.  You see eventually a black family (yes that is what they were called back then) moved into the neighborhood. The daughter was in my class and she and I became pretty good friends.

Of course, no one else in the class or even the school would even acknowledge her. And because I had become friends with her they began to not acknowledge me either. So those “friends” that I had worked so hard to obtain were suddenly gone, out of my life. And yet I had no clue as to why that was, what I had done.

I had never seen discrimination before. That was not how my parents raised us at all. And that was not the life I had lead before. And I did not understand it at all. And it troubled me but I could not put that into words as honestly it was not something I was capable at that point in my life of understanding.

That family moved away not long after that. I do not know why the moved, though at this stage of my life I certainly have my own thoughts about it. But the damage for me had been done. That is certainly, however, not to say that I would not have made friends with her had I know the consequences it would have on my life.  I most certainly would have been friends with her and honestly have always been upset that I did not keep in touch with her. Yes, it would have been much easier on me if she had never moved there but I believe that in reality those so-called friends would have found yet another way to push me out.

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foto friday – fog

I love fog. Yes, I know it can sometimes be depressing but it can also be pretty beautiful. And while many think the fog gets in the way of some great photography I think it can make for some pretty spectacular photos. And no I know mine are certainly not the greatest but what the heck…these are actually some of my favorite ones.

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home…or was it really?

Going to a new school was strange. You see my sister and I ended up going to different schools. I was in the 6th grade and she was in 8th or 9th. I didn’t understand why we had to go to different places but everyone said we did. As far as I could tell she fit right in, but then she always did where ever she went or whatever she was doing. But not me.

This school was so different than what I had been used to. First of all it was only K through 6 and I was used to K through 12. I was used to talking to everyone and mingling with everyone. Here it seemed that you really only mingled or socialized with your own grade.

But far more important was the fact that I returned to a school that was quite white. I don’t think I realized right then that would end up being a problem for me, but eventually it would come into play.

First though came a few other problems. I was of course the new kid and not everyone at this school knew how to accept new kids. They had all, or most, gone through school together and had very few people joining them, especially in the middle of the year such as I did. I am not and never have been one that makes friends easily so I blame myself just as much. But my old school in Singapore had kids coming and going at all times. We were used to the “new kid” and they were very easily accepted. I did not feel accepted then, nor did I, in fact, feel accepted for a very long time.

Then one night my sister went to a game or a dance, I really don’t recall which one. I was not allowed to go though certainly did not understand why not. After all I had, for the past two years, gone to many school dances and games. Why now was I too young to do so? It made no sense to me and yet no one could explain it. I loved my sister but I believe I became jealous and resentful of the fact that she was able to do the things we had been able to do before but for some reason I could not. Was I being punished for something? I didn’t know and again no one could explain it to me.

People would ask me where I was from and when I said Singapore (or Indonesia) they would look at me as though I was crazy. Or wouldn’t have any idea where that was. I would try and explain where it was and would many times be made fun of, which of course I did not understand either. That bothered me a great deal. Eventually I gave up and learned to hate the question of where I came from. It took me a 25 years to finally begin telling people again that I grew up in Singapore. That was how I would put it as for me that was the truth. Little did I know that was all part of being a TCK – a term I would not learn for another 40 years.

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little did I know…

how much time a relationship would take. I never even thought about the things I would no longer have time for once I became involved with someone. But it is true! I have been nominated for two awards by another blogger but have not even had the time to thank her or follow up with those as one is supposed to do.

We see each other on a pretty regular basis and in fact spent the entire Labor Day weekend together. Honestly, I was a bit afraid to spend that much time with him as I have been single and living alone for over 30 years! But I must admit it was quite nice having him around. He even makes the bed in the morning…without my asking! He takes his shoes off when he enters the house even without my asking (of course I don’t even do that!).

New Guy and I did a lot over the weekend. It included going to a very large art festival. He is an artist so it was interesting to hear some of his comments. Me? I just appreciate nice things. We wandered around a great little town and checked out all the boutiques there. He is really a great shopper! Oh and speaking of shopping he went with me to help find something to wear to an upcoming wedding! And we even went out to play his very first round of golf. He had recently been given a full set of golf clubs by a friend of mine. He kept telling me there would be no problems with his putting but perhaps his drives would need some help. After the nine holes we played he did admit that perhaps some lessons would be in order.

But there was one moment that stood out for me from this weekend. It was the moment that I think I realized that my feelings for New Guy were getting stronger and that maybe this guy is going to really be around a very long time. It was Sunday evening and we were both just a bit tired. Didn’t want to go to a movie and nothing at all on TV. We headed to the bedroom (ok, get your mind out of the gutter) and he began working on a crossword puzzle and I with my Kindle book. Pretty soon I realized I was not really reading so I leaned over to help him with his puzzle. He was laying there with his sweats on and I was leaning over him. At one point he just looked up at me and it was just that very short moment in time that will remain with me for a lifetime.

Isn’t it amazing how it is the little things? Just those tiny smiles or looks that only last seconds? But they mean oh so very much.

But again…my apologies…I had no clue that being in a relationship would take up so much of my time. Hopefully as the newness of this wears off I will have a bit more time to get back into this blog. But in the meantime I intend on enjoying every second with New Guy.

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