Tag Archives: lifestyle

life has been…

flowers - 20well life. I am searching for work. While I would love a part-time job it would have to be one in which I could control the hours so I could keep the part-time job I currently have which does not have specific hours. Apparently even with part-time work they expect specific hours. Or, I would like a full-time job but my goodness those are certainly few and far between these days.

I understand that “gigs” are the new wave of the work world. But for some reason that really scares me. Plus what do I do? How do I do it? Yea, I know there are all those sites out there to get you through it…I have read them all. Maybe someday soon I will actually sign up for one or maybe two.

Actually I would like to work for myself. Have thought of a couple of businesses I could do. But it is the marketing that always stops me. I cannot get out there and “sell” myself. Have never been able to do that. I can sell someone else’s business if I know them and respect them but to sell me? Nope, no can do.

And of course since I am not working all that much I don’t have all that much money. So while I have a ton of free time I have no money to go do anything! I believe that is the ultimate Catch-22. Things will change…they have to…and yes I know it is me that has to make those changes.

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I’m just not ready…

for a relationship. At least with this guy. Or at least I hope that is the case. What if I’m not ready for anyone? That does scare me a bit.

It has been a minimum of 20 years since I have really been in a relationship of any kind. So when this guy showed even a little bit of interest to me I think I just fell for it. I have spent the last five months with him and the last month or maybe six weeks picking out all the little things I don’t like about him. But I have also been trying to figure out if I could live with those “little” things long term or not. Most, yes, I think I possibly could. But there are a few things that I know would drive me over the edge.

So I suppose today is going to be “break-up” day. I dread it. I really do. What will his response be? Will he be hurt? Will he be upset? Honestly, I don’t know. I do think, though, that he knows it is coming.

But the big question is this: Will I have to wait another 20 years before someone else finds me attractive? Or before someone wants to be with me? Oh I really hope not!

But that is what is so great about this group I have found myself in. It is group that I met via the internet (well, where else??). We started off as a hiking/walking group but as with any group of this nature there has become a core group which is primarily women – all of whom are women of a certain age. We have become a close group of friends and now do much more than just walk and hike though we still do that. All of these women are single and all are going through the same thing. Though several have had relationships more recently than I. Perhaps with their help and encouragement I might actually get out there and begin meeting some more men. Wonder if there are any men of a certain age out there that are worth it?

LOL…also without a man in my life I might actually have time to post a bit more on here than I have been!

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relationships and politics…

Hmmm…I’m wondering how well these actually go together. After watching one of the morning political roundtable discussions we had our own discussion. Actually two of them. Both quite interesting to say the least.

Ok, so I have known for some time that New Guy didn’t vote. Ugh…that is something that does not sit well with me but I let it slide. And my thing is that if you do not vote then you better keep your mouth shut and not complain about what happens. Oh New Guy says he agrees with that but I’m really not so sure he does.

So on to the first discussion in which I mention that the next president whoever that may be will most likely be choosing at least one and possibly two Supreme Court justices. And that truly scares me depending upon who ends up in office. New Guy didn’t think that that was such a big deal. I tell him it is as Roe v Wade will most likely come up – once again. His remark was that they would probably keep it so not to worry. I say that may not necessarily be true. His comment then was that there would always be doctors – or people – that would perform them. I state that would be true but most likely in back alleys as were done in the 1960’s and early 1970’s during which many, many women were maimed or killed. Hmmm, he did not seem to be too effected by that.

Second political conversation of the day was a bit disturbing though not sure which one disturbed me more. During this conversation New Guy states we started off as a dictatorship and in many ways that is preferable to what we have now. What??? He says the constitution was flawed which I somewhat agreed with but also explained that it has been ratified and continues to change with the times. Which I point out cannot be done under a dictatorship. Long discussion ensued and he is pissed off because the constitution actually encourages slavery and discrimination against people of color. He was pissed because people of color (including Asians which he is) could not marry Caucasians. Of course he did not accept the fact that I reminded him that it was written in a different time and that things have indeed changed. He also pretty much ignored the fact that women were also discriminated against. In his mind it was a dictatorship. I suggested that perhaps if he thinks a dictatorship is better (which is pretty much what he was saying) then perhaps he should move to where there is a dictator. Hmmm, don’t think he really liked that. There is a certain change in his voice that I have learned to listen to. It was with that voice that he discussed this and he was very passionate about it.

Politics does play an important part in my life. Certainly not like it did when I was in my 30’s when I was pretty much out there. But it is important. And it is important to me what happens, not just for me but my grandchildren and their children. I don’t want things to go backwards. And I have never said that either candidate is perfect because believe me neither one is. But New Guy’s feelings on some of these issues really bother me. And I’m not sure how much these things should enter into a relationship or not. Because he has some definite feelings about some issues which are totally the other end of the spectrum than mine is that something I need to be concerned about? LOL…one good thing to know is that he will not be voting!

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the relationship…

was fun while it lasted. Yes, I do believe it is probably over and done with. Am I sad about it? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

There were signs from the very beginning that I should have listened to but instead just ignored. They were little things…you know those things that you think you can put up with, sort of brush aside as they really are not all that huge.  Had it been just one little thing I could have just brushed it aside. But it was more than that…there were many “little” things all of which began to really drive me nuts.

Oh I am not saying it was all him…I’m sure that there were things about me that drove him nuts too…though I certainly can’t imagine what those would be!

But there are some things that I either learned or reinforced in myself from this experience. The first is that I really must stick to the rules that I set for myself. The first rule is that I never date anyone that has not been divorced from the ex for at least a year. I always said that was a strong rule as I just don’t want to hear about her and what a you-know-what she was. After all he was with her so she couldn’t have been all that bad. Right??  Well New Guy had just split up from a long term relationship when we got together. I kept telling myself to stick to the rule…but noooooo, not me. I’m a rule breaker and I did break that one. He never really understood why I didn’t want to hear about “her”. The her that treated him badly and called him a liar. If that was how it really was why then did he speak so fondly of her? If she treated him so badly why did he continue to speak of her at all? And he spoke of her in ways that men generally do not speak of the ex. Ok, so I broke the rule…I have learned from that and will not do that again! Some rules are just not to be broken.

It also reminded me of a relationship (or several relationships) that I had so many years ago. It seemed that just about anytime I voiced my opinion (yes opinion or thought) I would be told how wrong I was. Hey…it is an opinion or a feeling or a thought…how can those be wrong????

As mentioned in an earlier post it has been 20 some years since I have dated anyone, especially anyone on a serious basis. And now perhaps I am remembering why.

Just as some people are not meant to be parents perhaps there are those of us that are not meant to enjoy (or not enjoy) the serious relationship. And perhaps I am one of those. Am I sorry it has ended? Of course I am but only to a certain extent.

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discrimination was alive and well…

Did I mention that the school I went “home” to was what I call Lily White? There were no people of color there at all. And by that I mean any color other than white. There were no Hispanics, African American, Asian or anything else other than Caucasian. Now this was very strange to me as the school I had been attending had every nationality, color, religion that you could possibly think of, and probably more!

I did make some friends but it was not that easy for me. I still wanted to be able to do what I had been doing the past couple of years and yet was now too young. These new friends did not understand why on earth I wanted to do those things such as going to the games or dances or whatever. They did not understand where it was I had been and rather made fun of me when they found out. Yes, children can be cruel. And yes, bullying did in fact take place back oh so many years ago.

But being as young as I was I’m not sure that I really thought that much about those things. I knew I was somewhat unhappy but could never really put my finger on why that was. Of course, I’m not sure that I really tried to work it out as again, I was on the young side of life at that period of time.

I found myself also feeling a bit more smart than the rest of the class. Ok, maybe smart is not really the proper word here but there was something that I had that the rest of them didn’t and yes, it did distinguish us. It did put a line between me and everyone else.  Did I actually draw that line? Perhaps I did but am not sure that I was the only one that did.

Things changed for me however, and actually opened my eyes just a bit. But again, being the age I was I did not know how to deal with it.  You see eventually a black family (yes that is what they were called back then) moved into the neighborhood. The daughter was in my class and she and I became pretty good friends.

Of course, no one else in the class or even the school would even acknowledge her. And because I had become friends with her they began to not acknowledge me either. So those “friends” that I had worked so hard to obtain were suddenly gone, out of my life. And yet I had no clue as to why that was, what I had done.

I had never seen discrimination before. That was not how my parents raised us at all. And that was not the life I had lead before. And I did not understand it at all. And it troubled me but I could not put that into words as honestly it was not something I was capable at that point in my life of understanding.

That family moved away not long after that. I do not know why the moved, though at this stage of my life I certainly have my own thoughts about it. But the damage for me had been done. That is certainly, however, not to say that I would not have made friends with her had I know the consequences it would have on my life.  I most certainly would have been friends with her and honestly have always been upset that I did not keep in touch with her. Yes, it would have been much easier on me if she had never moved there but I believe that in reality those so-called friends would have found yet another way to push me out.

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living alone…

So just this morning I looked, as I always do, at the Freshly Pressed page at WordPress. I found a wonderful post by a young, beautiful woman about living alone. Initially I was just going to respond to her post but then thought I would reblog it (took some time to read about reblogging and will give it a try). But it is rather long and I don’t like using up too much space with just one post. But then I began to think about myself and the fact that I have lived alone for over 30 years and here she is, perhaps around 25, and writing a post that easily could have been written by me, a woman of a certain age. We are not that different…the 25 (or so) woman and the woman of a certain age.

I love living alone. I am free to be me whoever that may be. Things I love about living alone are:

I listen to my music, read my books, watch my TV.
I cook or not,
I clean my mess – not someone else’s.
I don’t have to call if I’m running late or I don’t have to go home at all.
I don’t have to worry about it if someone else is not home on time or if dinner will be ready for them.
I don’t have to wait for the bathroom.
I don’t close my doors.
I don’t always put things away right away.
I clean the house at midnight.
I play on the computer at 2:30 a.m.
I have my things in my house – not someone else’s

I have often considered getting a roommate. Ok, so I have considered that for 30 years. I do not have a roommate. I have considered getting a pet. No I do not yet have one. Think I need to continue to consider that perhaps another 30 years.

People have asked me if I get lonely. The answer is No. Just because one lives alone or is alone does not mean they are lonely. In fact I view people such as me as being more in tune with ourselves. We know who we are, we are comfortable with who we are. We can entertain ourselves when we are alone. We can go out with people if we feel the need. We are not loners though we love living alone.

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starting school…overseas

Since my parents had initially thought they would “home school” us they did not really research any other options. Keep in mind that back then – in the early 1960’s – researching was quite different than it is now as there was no internet. So when we arrived in Indonesia they learned of the Singapore American School and off we went. My mother with three little girls tagging along headed over to Singapore to sign us up and schedule living arrangements.

Interestingly I did not feel this was all that different than the norm. Maybe I was just too young to realize it, I really don’t know.

We ended up living in a “hostel” with several other, mostly American, girls, with me, once again being the youngest. The home, though, was run by a British couple and their teenage son. Oh and the house was absolutely wonderful. I’m not totally sure of the style but it certainly had a British influence. It was quite large with the living area; kitchen, dining and I believe a small living area on the ground floor. The next two floors were the very large bedrooms with at least 2 girls in each room. My memory of this has faded considerably so there may have been more than two in each room. My room was in the circular turret which made me feel a bit special.

As I mentioned my memories of this time have long faded. But I do recall playing jacks on the floor with my sister whom I will call AJ and several of the others. AJ and I played so much and learned so many new games of jacks that we became quite good. Eventually that would be the one thing in which I was true competition for her through the years.

The other thing that was quite different for us was the school. One of the major differences was that it was a year round school in which we would be in school for 3 months then have one month of vacation. Much different than the nine months of school with three months’ vacation that we were used to “back home”.

The other thing that really stood out was that the other students were of every nationality, race, religion that you could possibly think of. Discrimination? Absolutely none. Keep in mind that we had arrived from a town in California in which I recalled never meeting anyone whose skin was a different color than mine. Different religions I was not aware of as we were taught never to speak of religion or politics – which of course would change through the years.
But being children we pretty much fit in with no problem at all. Well at least I didn’t. My best friend turned out to be a girl from Sweden and of course there was a boy that I liked that was originally from someplace in Africa.

Oh and one other thing about the school was at the time, and I believe this is still true, was that it was from kindergarten up through grade 12. Therefore, while we were all in different grades in school we all also attended the same school.

My mother got us settled into the hostel and school then returned “home” to Indonesia and my father. I learned later several things about these years from my mother many years later. They fell in love all over again…not that they had fallen out of love but it just strengthened. They treated these years as the honeymoon they had not previously had. They took numerous trips – with and without us. My mother became quite spoiled as we had servants, including a cook, so she did not have to worry about taking care of the house.

This experience was such a different type of lifestyle than what we had been used to back in the “states”. And yet at the time I never really felt it was all that different and just seemed to fit in with no problems. Oh the joys of being a child!

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